| It was a chilly, evening, early in the spring of 2002,
in a the not-so-small town of Hammond, Indiana. I had
received a rather disturbing piece of mail... It was...
[sigh] It repulses me, just to think about it... It
was.. an AOL 7.0 CD, in a metal box. :-o OMG! Metal!?
I've never heard of anything so absurd in my life!
Well, after reading about the good ole' time Dan had
with an AOL CD, here,
I decided that I should try it out for myself. With
that being said, lets get to business.
| So I come home from track practice
one day over Spring Break, and I find this AOL CD
sitting on the table, so with my friend Pat by my
side, we set out to destroy this beast. Believe
me when I say we're gonna destroy this thing...
Just you wait and see. |
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| So me and my trusty assistant Pat
Flagg (who is single BTW ;-)), head out to the garage,
to give it the first few opening blows. Well, we're
looking around, and we decide to throw it in the
vice, so we can focus on the tools more efficiently. |
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| Well, it seems we've found our first
weapon of choice - the handheld grinder. You simply
can't go wrong with this one. It's fun, it throws
sparks, it'll hurt it, but not too much that we
won't be able to have any more fun. Simply amazing.
In the picture to the right, you can see my home-boi
P Flagg, going at it with that grinder. You can
see the finished result of that one here. |
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| Well after that, we decided it was
time to find something more exciting, and less time
consuming. Looking around, Pat finds the staple
gun - sounds like a damn good to me. Could cause
some lethal damage, but leave enough for us to have
some fun with. =) |
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| Well OK, sure, the staple gun did
a bit of damage, scattering pieces of CD over the
driveway, but that just wasn't enough, damnit! We
had to go for the big dog. Like Dan, I had to go
for the ax, only this time, I wasn't starting out
with some pansy ass, hatchet-looking mother fucker.
No no no... I went straight for the big one! Yeah,
pictured here,
is none other than myself, holding that beast. RAWR! |
 |
| Well, we get to my back yard, and
find a good place to let it take it's beating, we
set it up on a log. Surely you can't swing an ax
without being pissed off... you just don't get the
same amount of energy, so I let Pat go for it. I'm
almost sure I heard it say a few things about him
momma when he had his back turned, while we were
in the garage anyway. This only fueled the punishment
to come. |
 |
| Winding up, to deliver mass amounts
of damage, Pat is reminded of all the dirty things
that AOL used to say to him during his child hood.
Finally he gets retribution. The look on his face
here is just startling. You can almost taste
the anger going into this swing. Ladies and gentlemen....
please keep quiet for a momen... ah... nevermind.
He's swinging an ax. |
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|
OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG!!! PAT KILLED IT!!! HE KILLED
THE AOL CD!
Do we care though? No, not really. We're not
anywhere done with this thing yet. It is the root
of all evil on the place we call Earth. We are
gonna rid the world of this one AOL 7.0 disc,
damnit!
|
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|
Ozone? What the fuck is that? I don't give a
damn, and I don't think Pat does either. I said
we were gonna rid the Earth of this CD, and be
damned, if I don't do it! If that means burning
dangerous chemicals, using a match, and random
aerosol products that I find laying around the
garage, then be damned, I'm gonna do it!
As you can see in the picture to the right, there
is a nice bottle of WD-40 in my hand, that I daringly
lit with a match. Yes a match! You maybe
asking yourself, "Why did he use a match,
wouldn't a lighter be safer and easier?".
Well my reply to that is, fuck you, I didn't have
a god damned lighter, ok, I'm poor, you wanna
make fun of me? I'll walk to your house and smash
your fucking skull in with that ax. that you saw
Pat using. Bitch.
|
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|
*cough* Anyway, as you can see, the container
took quite a large amount of damage from the primitive
torch job that I gave it, but low and behold,
that bastard muttered something else about Pats
mom. To think, we all thought that it had dies
after the massive blow from Pat, while wielding
an axe. Who would have thought it could have survived
such a crushing blow.
Either way, this burning wreck of... crap, had
just proved to us that it hadn't taken it fair
amount of abuse yet. We are out to fix this...
|
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| Well after that last comment, Pat
decided that he wanted to give him an "Old-Skool"
beating, and what could be more Old-Skool than a
big stick!? I can't think of anything. Can you?
Even if you can, shut the fuck up, this is my article,
not yours. Whore. |
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| Well at this point, we stop to take
a look at the wreckage. It seems that the nice little
torching from the WD-40, has melted the CD to the
metal casing! Look at all of the chunks of plastic
melted in odd looking formations, and the case seems
to be a tad bit scorched. I think it's finally dead.
I think your fun is finally over. =( |
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|
Bah! Who the fuck am I kidding, this thing isn't
over till the thing is unusable!
What? It is unusable? Well, fuck... Ummmm. Then
it's not over till my nose is running!
Huh? Fuck, my nose is running too? Damn. Well
it is pretty cold out. Well fuck it. It's not
over yet, cause I fucking said so!
Now it's time to have some real fun. Nothing
is nicer on a frigid spring day than cranking
up the oxyacetylene torch, and generating some
real heat. =D
|
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|
Well, I give it a few passes with the torch,
and it doesn't even give it a challenge, I could
hold it a good 6 inches away, and it would still
melt. Surely it was to be expected, but it kinda
ruins the fun of it all, ya know? Rather amusing
though, and it made for an interesting 45 minutes
or so.
So, I would just like to take a few lines here,
and ask AOL/TW, what the fuck they were thinking?
They spent all of that money on "elite"
packaging, only to have me and Pat fucking demolish
it, like the piece of trash that it is.
And with that being said, Pat gives it a big
"Fuck You", straight from the heart,
and disposes of the mess of melted, plastic and
aluminum that we have trashed.
|
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I sure hope you've enjoyed this little article. I know
I enjoyed writing it, as well as fucking up that CD
case thingee, it was rather amusing.
If you'd like to see the rest of the pics that didn't
make it in to this little article, you can download
them all in one fell swoop, by clicking on this
handy dandy link!
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